Joe Biden gave his first press conference on Thursday. No president had waited that long to answer questions in public, and we weren’t entirely sure what would happen. A White House reporter spotted Biden wandering around and asked if he was ready for his first press conference. “What press conference?” Biden replied. Apparently, in the end, someone told him. A staff member pointed Biden toward the tape mark on the ground and gave him a shove.
Biden shuffled forward and began to speak. And pausing, and then talking some more. And then pausing. Have you heard the term “pregnant break”? Joe Biden’s breaks were quintuplets from the third quarter. These pauses were ready to explode.
JOE BIDEN: So the best way to do something … if you, if you have him around and he’s loved by you, uh, um, you wish you could … well, anyway … me. .. we are going to do a lot.
Got it, America? We are going to do a lot. A lot. Of course, we will do much more and confuse far fewer people, if we go ahead and read our political positions on little pieces of paper that others have painstakingly prepared for us. That way, we won’t lose consciousness in the middle of a sentence or accidentally start a war.
PHOTOS SHOW BIDEN’S ‘CHEAT SHEETS’ DURING THE FIRST FORMAL PRESS CONFERENCE
So when the North Korea topic came up, Joe Biden knew exactly what to do. He found his paper and began to read the words that were written on it.
BIDEN: We are consulting with our allies and partners and, uh, there will be, uh, responses if they choose to escalate, uh, we will respond accordingly. But I’m also prepared, uh, um, for some form of diplomacy.
That has to be quite intimidating for the North Koreans, who of course were watching it in real time. They now have nuclear weapons in Pyongyang, and that means they probably have cable TV too. Don’t underestimate these people. They are crafty.
Of course, the North Koreans were already very afraid of Joe Biden. They know you are serious. They remember the time Biden hit the entire Kim family with a chain. Him and Nelson Mandela, back in ’86. You’ve heard the story, but they lived it. It is part of their tradition.
A LOOK AT THE KEY MOMENTS OF THE FIRST BIDEN PRESIDENTIAL NEWS CONFERENCE
And now this: North Korea faces not only the masculinity of Joe Biden, but a full paper with instructions that Joe Biden is perfectly willing to read anytime he needs it. That cue card is Joe Biden’s secret weapon in the fight against nuclear proliferation. You can breathe easy, America, and that’s good news, because we have our own problems in this country. One of our biggest problems is voting. It is becoming increasingly difficult to vote.
There are some folks in America, fanatics, let’s call them what they are, who demand that we know the identities of voters before allowing them to elect our government. They want people to show their IDs at the polls, if you can imagine it, in 2021. These bigots, Joe Biden explained, are Republicans.
BIDEN: So I am convinced that we can stop this because it is the most pernicious. This makes Jim Crow look like Jim Eagle.
Jim Eagle? Who is Jim Eagle? A comic book hero from the 1950s? Some kind of dog-faced soldier pony? We didn’t know who Jim Eagle was, so we ran to our Google machines to search for him. Then we realized – duh! – we’re being too literal here. It is an analogy. Raven. Eagle. They are both birds, but an eagle is much larger than a crow. That means asking people to show a driver’s license when they vote is far more racist than segregation and lynching. Segregation and lynchings were Jim Crow. Voter IDs are Jim Eagle. Much worse.
BIDEN IGNORA FOX NEWS ‘DOOCY, YOUR’ FOLDER FULL OF QUESTIONS ‘
That makes sense when you think about it. Most blacks do not have a government issued ID. That is why they cannot drive cars, or have jobs, or fly on airplanes, or stay in hotels, or go to the doctor, or cash checks, or sign rental contracts, or buy houses, or open bank accounts, or buy Sudafed. . in CVS. Blacks can’t do any of those things because they just don’t have ID. Millions and millions of them have no identification. It’s sad, as Joe Biden often points out. You might think that the solution to this tragedy would be to make it easier for Americans to obtain IDs.
No. Joe Biden has a better idea: just make sure no one has to show identification to vote. That way, the millions and millions of black people who are somehow unidentified won’t feel bad or left out. They still won’t be able to drive a car, or have a job or bank accounts, or live anywhere, but at least they can vote a lot, and the rest of us will not be racist. Problem solved. As Joe Biden just told us, it’s going to do a lot.
Not just in the next four years, by the way, but in the next four years. Joe Biden runs again. He also told us that Thursday. At the end of his second term, Joe Biden will be 86 years old. That’s a full decade beyond the life expectancy of the average American man (which, for the record, Joe Biden has already exceeded). But there is nothing average about Joe Biden. Time makes it better. Like certain varieties of artisan cheese, Joe Biden is destined to grow old. It just gets sharper and spicier. Your next campaign will be even tastier.
NANCY CORDES, CBS NEWS: Have you decided whether you will run for reelection in 2024? He has yet to set up a reelection campaign, as his predecessor had at this time.
BIDEN SAYS IT IS HIS ‘EXPECTATION’ TO RUN FOR RE-ELECTION IN 2024
BIDEN: My predecessor needed to do it. (laughs) My predecessor. My God, I miss it. My answer is yes. My plan is to run for reelection. That is my expectation.
“My plan is to run for reelection.” Now, we weren’t in the room when Joe Biden said that, but according to those in the room, there was an audible scream of horror behind the curtain.
Sources said she sounded a lot like Kamala Harris. We cannot confirm that. But we can tell you that Joe Biden has already chosen a theme for this next campaign. The theme is unity.
“Wait a second”, you might be thinking. “Wasn’t ‘unity’ the theme of Biden’s last campaign, the one that just ended in November?” Yes. But that wasn’t unity enough. There’s more drive on the road, ladies and gentlemen: full loads, full tractor-trailer loads. Imagine all the pools in Malibu, topped to the brim with unity, and then add all the pools in Bel-Air. We are talking about that unit. And by unity, of course, we mean policies that make Americans hate each other far more than ever. That’s what Joe Biden has given us so far. We will have more soon.
STEPHEN MILLER OFFERS FOR ‘DETESTABLE LIE’ AND ‘FAILURE’ ABOUT TRUMP’S BORDER POLICY
BIDEN: The third reason I said I was running was to unite the country. And generically speaking, you all said, “No, you can’t do that.” Well, I haven’t been able to bring Congress together, but I have been able to unite the country based on the poll data. We have to unite.
Oh, “survey data.” The real money of Washington. We haven’t checked the “survey data” indicator today, but we have to tell you that we approach this specific statement with a degree of skepticism. Not all of Joe Biden’s unifying policies have completely unified the country yet. They remain moody inside America who are not fully convinced of their new program of being reprimanded, humiliated, disarmed, and taxed into poverty and powerlessness. Those people are intolerant, obviously. They’re probably friends with the evangelical snake-handling fanatics who complain when a guy shows up in their eight-year-old daughter’s locker room. Which. You can’t please everyone.
But do you know who you can please, if you are Joe Biden? The media. The reporters are very happy. They are a group that remains completely united in their love and support for Joe Biden (and the poll data proves it). Joe Biden knows it well. But he is not pandering to the reporters. Joe Biden is bigger than that. Not that The Washington Post is a Delaware credit card company. You don’t need to drool over them.
On Thursday, Joe Biden explained that despite his massive successes on our southern border, the ones he’s seeing on TV, he’s not ready to show reporters exactly what he’s doing there. That’s for him to know and for them to find out.
LARRY KUDLOW SAYS BIDEN IS ‘INVESTING INCENTIVES FOR MORE WORK’
KRISTEN WELKER, NBC NEWS: We haven’t seen the facilities where the kids are really huddled together, so that the American people have a chance to see that. Will you commit to transparency on this issue?
BIDEN: I will commit to transparency as soon as I am in a position to implement what we are doing right now …
Well that’s unusual. It’s not often that you hear a politician admit that he rejects frankness and embraces secrecy. They usually lie about it. Not Joe Biden. Biden tends to say things that are not said out loud. “We are as opaque as a shower curtain,” he told the press corps today, “and there is nothing you can do about it.”
It is quite provocative. Of course it is. But provocative in a way that reporters enjoy. They are naughty, those reporters. They like to be made fun of. If you deny them what they ask for, they love you more. A state media lady, also known as National Public Radio, marveled at describing the remarkable personal qualities of her boss, Joe Biden.
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YAMICHE ALCINDOR, NPR: You have said over and over again that immigrants should not come to this country at this time. This is not the time to come. That message is not being received. Instead, the perception of you, which made you choose, as a moral and decent man, is the reason why many immigrants come to this country and entrust you with unaccompanied minors.
When you call a man “moral” and “decent” in your question, you set the frame, as they say. But the bottom line is that a “decent and moral man” runs this country, ladies and gentlemen. That is the message of unity. And by the way, it is a required message, so repeat it five times and then repeat it to your friends. If you don’t, you are racist.
This article is adapted from Tucker Carlson’s opening comment in the March 25, 2021 issue of “Tucker Carlson Tonight.”