The news broke this morning. The person of the year of Time is not the president, a religious figure, a declared celebrity or a notorious figure who is in the headlines. We are all of us, and the stories that a sea of us have been yearning to share with the world, to get rid of our memories or to speak against. The simple #metoo words are beginning to speak for all the women and men who have been sexually assaulted, abused, raped and taken advantage of, and have been ashamed in silence. In honor of a movement that had been pending for a long time, I wanted to share a little more of my own writing about when I was abused, and it is later. #metoo
I wrote a musical about sexual abuse and what followed, I say, I share my story to help others. The most important thing we can do is keep talking. Let the world know this is a problem that continues to happen. Let the world know we must stop it. Paint it, shout it, share it.
In honor of #MeToo I wanted to share a fragment of my next book, My Beautiful Detour, about who I'll call, The Monster. …
I trusted my voice teacher as a mentor and someone who would always be there to inspire me. I will never forget how he was the person who introduced me to Joni Mitchell.
I have always liked nature, trees and find spirituality in the world around us. I have always loved how music can capture this so beautifully.
"A Case of You" by Joni Mitchell was the first song that my voice teacher ever played for me. He thought I would like it. I had never heard of Joni before. He opened a world. I never realized that you could write so personally and vulnerablely about nature, love, life, spirituality, this was all you loved about making art, how you can connect us so spiritually to the world around us.
When he introduced me to Joni, he introduced me a part of me, and from that day on, I felt eternally in debt to him. My religion was the trees, and now, he was the sacred symbol, the buddha of the tree-ism.
This marks the day when my voice teacher became a god.
I spent the next week taking my nature walks, and now, instead of taking all this inspiration for me, thinking "oh, I have to tell the voice teacher about this amazing tree poem ] He will LOVE this! "
Then my voice teacher began to sexually abuse me.
Suddenly, I become a space cadet. I tried to take those nature walks I had just taken the day before.
My first walk through nature I could not connect with nature. The trees felt fuzzy for me. I was used to nature "opening" me, and now a large part of me felt closed. Instead, all my inspiration seemed to stand up. I started to walk faster.
I was not used to this kind of energy, without feeling anything mentally or even emotionally. I could only feel this mechanical energy, where I could suddenly walk, run, run for hours and not feel anything. I did not know why.
I went to class every day and I did not feel like myself. I remember walking like I used to do with my nature and feeling so inspired, now I was insensitive.
I felt like I was hiding something from the outside world. I felt embarrassed to have a secret. , as if there was something wrong with me.
I felt exhausted, no longer like me, not Amy lover of musical theater.
I did not care about how I looked or what people thought of me.
I lost beauty in my world. I lost the innocence of youth and the spirit of youth, that carefree lightness. I remember trying to tell Monster (let's call him that) and he was very upset inside, and I thought I could at least trust him, just because did not have anyone else .
" You know, I really wish I could go back to being a student and teacher."
And he simply replied: "W ell, in life you finally have to lose your innocence." ] Our connection was so great that you know that none of us would have been satisfied if we had stayed as students and teachers.The attraction was too intense, none of us could avoid it.It would have happened sooner or later – that is the nature of the Soul mates. "
I did not know what to say. I did not know what to think. I bit my lip to not feel anything because it did not make sense. There was no one who could say who would understand, why bother? I turned off my sensors my emotional radar, to save myself. I felt that no one was there to look at me or help me, just as there was nobody there to mourn for my lost innocence.
"Now that I'm older, right? I'm sleepy, I'm tired, my innocence is lost in the world Is that what you wanted to say Monster? Is that how I'm going and I never land and I become I am now punished, as you always said I needed to be? I call it more like stuck. What did you think you were doing? Did you really think I had to lose my innocence so early? Did you know that you had just made a big mistake, that it had caused a great calamity and that now you were bursting trying to cover it up? "
I could not stand my abuser but I felt that he was all I had at my lowest point. Also, an ember in me kept hoping that one day the normal Master would come out of the body of this monster and it would be as if none of this had happened. I could not give up that hope because then my whole world would collapse. However, yes.
The five stages of grieving for a loss are shock, anger, sadness, negotiation, acceptance. The impact of my losses left me so insensitive that I did not know if I already had a heart. I forgot how to cry.
I got so lost in high school and it's where I really feel the most. All those people who admired me now watched me walk from one place to another like a hockey puck that is hit by imaginary players. I lost my identity. I lost my body. I lost my pride.
How can I accept those losses? Can you lose yourself and find beauty again, maybe in a different way?
That's why I have to keep going, even if I want to wallow in self-pity and stay behind in the shattered pieces of what has been broken
As an artist, it is my work to make a mosaic from them.
Anyway, this is one of my writings, in my name, but with our voice. I hope this inspires you to go out and share your own story. Or in any case, simply say #metoo.
Amy is currently on tour with her performances and performances speaking against sexual assault. See more original works of art by Amy learn about her speaking, or take her touring Gutless & Grateful, her musical of a woman, in theaters, universities, conferences and organizations across the country. Get information on the health defense programs for students, and discover how to participate in the # LoveMyDetour movement and get to know your next book My Beautiful Detour at www.amyoes.com.
Follow Amy Oestreicher on Twitter: www.twitter.com/amyoes