I heard the vampire weekend for the first time today and I'm sorry



Illustration of the article entitled I heard the vampire weekend for the first time today and I'm sorry
Photo: Jason Merritt (Getty)

Vampire Weekend released a new album today, which is great news in rock because, well, apparently, this is the best that rock can offer at this very moment. You could remember Vampire Weekend from when they appeared on the scene more than a decade ago, they dressed like 1996 and are distinguished from two other indie rock bands by being even more unpleasant. Take this quote from leader Ezra Koenig who makes an unfortunate appearance towards the end of Lizzy Goodman's excellent oral history of the turn-of-the-century rock scene in New York:

when you are looking strongly at ideas
when you are looking strongly at ideas

Somehow, I managed to avoid the music of this band during the following years, although almost without a doubt I found it, unknowingly, as background music in some Urban Outfitters somewhere. Look at me man A band like this will find me their way somehow. And if Vampire Weekend has not yet met my good ear, today I put a final end to that pilgrimage. I took charge of listening to their new album, "Father of the Bride" (it's not a soundtrack!) To see how long I could tolerate it.

Keep in mind that this album is 58 minutes long, which is an insult for both rock AND for New York. For a warm up, I went back and tried his seminal "Oxford Comma" success, not to be confused with his other seminal hit, "Adidas Ababa". I spent 90 seconds. At first glance, this is a band whose ultimate ambition seems to be to write down a sequence of open credits from Wes Anderson. But can you rock? Forever? It's possible? It's time for me to know …

TRACK 1 – HOLD NOW

Oh god, a bading children's choir. Unless you are the Rolling Stones, there is no surer sign that you are pleasing yourself than sending the Vienna Boys Choir to sell a hook to the mbades. Danielle Haim is also on this acoustic track, which is destined to be described as "lilting" by critics who want Bon Iver to finish making his debut album again. Note that "Hold I Now ", by Thompson Twins, is the top entry in songs about people who must perform immediately.

TRACK 2 – HARMONY HALL

Oh, well, this has only failed Sting. By the way, the cover of "Father of the Bride" looks like the opening slide in a seventh grade student's country report (Koenig chooses Suriname). This song will end in a poignant long format ad for Jack in the Box in which Jack consoles the mentally ill with a combo FML Bacon & Swiss Buttery Jack.

TRACK 3 – BAMBINA

Son of a bitch, this sounds like the other two songs. Just like The Shins made a unique album after scoring a djembe at a garage sale.

TRACK 4 – THIS LIFE

Baby, I know that pain is as natural as rain.
I thought it was not raining in California

I'm not going to do it through this entire album. Weed is not going to make things better, I bet. In order for you to experience this album correctly, you must be EXTREMELY clingy and elegant outside and you have to play this at a volume level while making the Hungry Jack pancakes for a dog. This is not music that should exist in front and at the center of anything.

TRACK 5/6 – BIG BLUE / HOW LONG

As you may have heard, the Vampire Weekend members went to Columbia. The way you know they are crafty types is because A) They'll tell you, and because B) They know they can add small Vocoder cameos and other farty accents to traditional songs, and that's experimental. This was a movement that Wilco used to do really well until the band hired Nels Cline and suddenly transformed into The Eagles.

TRACK 7 – INCREDIBLE WHITE

Honestly, this track would be better if it lived up to its title. Instead, the title serves as an unnecessary nod to a song that sounds like a deep cut from a Vampire Weekend Christmas album.

I can not take the rest of this. I love myself too much Let's review the rest of this nap in the cafeteria and see if there is any hope that it will move.

TRACK 8 – RICH MAN

No This has ropes, however. When you want to telegraph the emotion in a song, never trust the children's choir to do the work of a string section. All the songs in this band should be ABOUT a vampire weekend, but my colleague Lauren Theisen says they only have one titled, of course, "Walcott."

Walcott

Do not you know what's crazy?

Do not you want to leave Cape Cod?

Outside of Cape Cod tonight?

Walcott

The mystic port is like that.

Do not you know that your life could be lost?

Outside of Cape Cod tonight

Walcott

Christ. Someone has read "Howl" many times. I want songs like "Saturday Night & # 39; s Right Right For Bloodsuckin" and "No Garlic At This Rave" and "Partyin 'All Night because The Sun & Literally Kill Us", etc. This "Walcott" is not enough A handful of vampires who have bad poles in Wellfleet.

TRACK 9 – MARRIED ON AN EXCURSION

No There's no rock here either. Ezra Koenig sings as if she had to catch a plane. They also bury their voice very low in the mix because that is clearly the best. Anyway, if you're looking for cultural comments from man, this is the best you can muster:

Something is happening in the country.
And the government is to blame

TAKE IT, REPUBLICANTS.

TRACK 12 – SUNFLOWER

Well here we go. This song is bading terrible. This has scat singing. So far, these have been pretty nice acoustic tracks and arranged for people who would not dare to demand anything more from their music. But now the band is going to the "second year in college discover the cutting edge shit" and doing warming scales for you. DO MY RE FA MY SUN FA THE SUN TI THE DO IT RE DO … BABABADOO DOOBEEDEE ACKALACKA!

That's. I finished. I'm going to listen to the rest of this thing. Not to "Spring Snow". Not to "Jerusalem, New York, Berlin." Not to "Not Frances Ha-Ha, but …" No to "Knowing Unicycle". Not to "Yerba Mate?" This does not move. This is a music made to subtract rock from the world, to bleed it from its vitality. But before formally giving up, let me go back and listen to "Cape Cod Kwbada Kwbada" from their debut album …

Annnnnddddd my day is ruined. Bone sucked dry. Vampire Weekend is playing live in Washington Square Park At this time, because naturally they are. But if you need me, I'll be detoxifying by listening to Bob Mold.


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