Gwen really dislikes her father. Her mother and I have connected things together so much that we have gone on many holidays together. Gwen has been with both.
We have a special bond that first time I met him. He was a terror, and his mother, grandmother and the rest of the family had originally abandoned him. But we clicked. I was patient with him, and we became close.When we were on vacation together a few weeks ago, he asked if I wanted to come to Colorado, half across the country from where I live, for my daughter’s 3rd birthday party. I am going
I love her very much and always do. I remember him very much during his mother’s years and I barely communicated. I was able to see my children, but not him. Now I feel that intimacy again, and I want to officially adopt her as I should have returned when she was 2. What do you think, Abby?
Loved in lucy
love love: Do not make such an important decision on impulse.
Be judicious and let this new relationship with your ex and his daughter play for a while before deciding anything. Then, if you still feel the same, talk to your ex about what you have in mind. If she responds positively, discuss it with Gwen.
But I urge you to be careful because your ex may consider himself and his daughter a package deal and expect you to “adopt” him too. It goes without saying that this should be discussed with your lawyer because the fact that Gwen’s father can still complicate matters.
Dear Abby: The sisters in my family are very close. Today we live independently and alone in different cities. After we retire, the three of us plan to live together in a new place. Our dilemma: The fourth sister marches on a different dholak.
Our lifestyle is very different – in fact the complete opposite. We love her and enjoy being with her and working together at family gatherings. Yet we feel strongly that because he has little initiative and a “dependent” personality, he should not be with us, so we have not included him in our plans.
We know that the news will upset him, and we do not want to cause hurt feelings, but we feel strongly about this. We have tried to figure out how we can make it work, but always knowing that it will not end. The only option we can think of is that we can go anywhere and find our own place, but we are not sure that he has the means to do so.
Can you help us figure out the kindest way to share the news with her?
Forward thinking: The kindest way to venture into this minefield would be to ask your sister what her plans are once she retires. If she says she plans to be with you, she should be told that it won’t happen and why, so she can make other arrangements for herself. While the conversation may not be pleasant, it is necessary, and it should happen sooner rather than later.Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jean Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.