I’m no stranger to the idea of a late-night fast-food run. Show me a spouse out of city for a pair days, and I’ll present you at the least one shameful go to to the Wendy’s drive-through by my home.
So, far be it from me to criticize President Trump for dispatching a trusted former physique guard, Keith Schiller, to a close-by McDonald’s to acquire a presidential burger, as reported by Politico on Tuesday. I gained’t abide a well-done steak — one other reported Trump delicacy — however this? Well, this appears like one thing I’d do.
But then I heard the president’s most popular Mickey D’s order.
1 / 4-pounder with cheese, further ketchup, maintain the pickles. And a fried apple pie.
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All jokes apart — have you ever ever observed the suspicious similarity between a Big Mac’s secret sauce and, ahem, Russian dressing? — this gave the impression of a foul order. Too candy, missing something appropriately salty or bitter to stability it. And an ill-considered quick meals order, as anybody who’s gone rogue within the Burger Kingdom is aware of, is a tragedy — a waste of tons of, even 1000’s of valuable energy that had been allotted for one thing stuffed with scrumptious chemical substances.
Why do you badume folks get so livid after they uncover they’ve gotten the unsuitable sandwich of their bag after they draw back from the window?
But I needed to give the president’s order a good shake. I deputized a trusty confederate, who seems to subsist totally on protein bars and Polar seltzer, as my bodyguard for the day and despatched him off to acquire the Trump particular.
“Do I need to order it fried? Or is that just how they come?” my deputy requested of the pie. He had not handed below a golden arch in a few decade (although he did drive throughout higher Boston consuming fuel station sizzling canine with me).
“Order it fried, to be safe,” I stated.
He walked over to the McDonald’s in Downtown Crossing — lower than a half-mile from the Globe, about the identical distance because the New York Avenue location that Schiller reportedly raided for his boss is from the White House — and procured the $6.41 value of products.
To full the Trump burger expertise, we commandeered the fanciest workplace we may discover (apart to Brian McGrory: I’m sorry concerning the lingering odor) and bought all the way down to enterprise.
Matthew J. Lee/Globe workers
President Trump’s most popular McDonald’s meal.
A visible inspection revealed the burger to be a lot as I remembered 1 / 4 pounder: a seeded, barely stiff bun with a thick, uniform beef patty cloaked in yellow cheese on each side. But eradicating the highest bun revealed a pool of ketchup that appeared just like the set of a “Saw” film.
After the primary chew, the ketchup started oozing out of the mouth-shaped gash I’d left within the burger. In equity, I’ve had little or no sugar since concluding my Entire30 food regimen, however sugar was all I may style — blindingly candy, with a faint trace of that distinctive beef-adjacent taste that each one McDonald’s patties purchase someplace on the winding journey from cow’s physique to individual’s face.
The second chew was a lot the identical, at which level I gave up. There have been onions in there, however they have been drowning in ketchup. Rumors of cheese stay unconfirmed. This isn’t a burger, it’s a ketchup sandwich with further meat.
And the pie? Well, I couldn’t take a look at the pie. The location in Downtown Crossing serves solely the vastly inferior baked selection. And although my noble deputy requested, the workers declined to dump an already baked pie into the fryer. Sad.
But that pie could possibly be lovingly hand formed and punctiliously fried in virgin duck fats by Thomas Keller himself and it wouldn’t redeem that ketchup-soaked burger.
And come on, how do you skip the fries? Say what you’ll about McDonald’s: The fries are unimpeachable.