Gwen Brainard remembers her husband Terry Miller, who died in Vietnam. They would have been married 50 years this 12 months,
Zach Boyden-Holmes/The Register

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Gwen Brainard of Waukon holds a portrait that her first husband Terry Miller painted of the 2 once they younger, earlier than Miller was killed in Vietnam in 1969.(Photo: Zach Boyden-Holmes/The Register)Buy Photo

WAUKON, Iowa — The brutal, divisive struggle ended way back. But it returned this fall to Gwen Brainard’s front room.

She scanned the pictures of the faces of fallen troopers that flashed on the display screen throughout Ken Burns’ “The Vietnam War” documentary, on the lookout for the love of her life.

He was killed practically 5 many years in the past, however she nonetheless has his yellowed Army envelopes taped to scrapbook pages and letters with drawings of her, pregnant with their cat at her toes, and his hopeful phrases:

 “… Eternity,” he wrote, “as in the time we will spend together.”

Terry Miller was 23 and an artist when he died. Their son was simply three months previous.

Brainard, now 72, goes to nation western live shows the place the performer will inform all of the veterans to rise. Everyone claps, paying their respects, as so many will do that Veterans Day.

But they don’t ask the widows to rise.

“I sit there and think, ‘Those guys got to come home. They have grandchildren. They got to grow old.’ My husband didn’t have any of that.”

On that TV display screen she acknowledged the skinny, good-looking face among the many pictures of 242 males who died in a single week in Vietnam, May 28 to June three, 1969. She considered him and all the opposite moms, girlfriends and wives left behind by these fallen troopers.

What 50-year path was left by veterans who by no means got here residence?

Professing his love

Gwen Cheatum and Terry Miller, whose fathers each labored on the John Deere manufacturing unit in Ottumwa, went to the identical highschool.

But their paths hadn’t crossed till they met within the spring of 1967 whereas attending Northeast Missouri State Teachers College.

They talked all evening. She thought he was humorous.

They have been each artwork majors, and he painted a portrait of them at a park. He wore a goatee on his skinny face; she had a shawl holding again her blond hair.

He proposed by standing in a good friend’s convertible outdoors her dorm room and yelling for her — on the fallacious facet of the dorm. Girls rushed to her room, telling her this is likely to be for her.

She noticed him then, loudly “professing his love for me.”

They married within the fall. By the summer season of 1968, he wanted only one extra clbad, a pupil educating semester, nevertheless it wasn’t provided that summer season.

Instead, he was drafted. She advised him to go to Canada, however he left to serve. She quietly marched down the streets with anti-war protesters, not telling her household.

“I thought the war was foolish,” she stated. “We weren’t against the men; we were against the war.”

He volunteered to go to Vietnam as a result of those that have been shipped out might get depart earlier than they deployed, and he wished to see his pregnant spouse.

One day, he shocked her. The cat scratched underneath the door. She opened it.

“I’m nine months pregnant, and I jumped up and down,” she stated.

She stated the navy tried to coach Terry learn how to kill in coaching, however when he was residence she noticed it did not work.

“He was a pacifist. He was a hunter all his life, but now he couldn’t kill a deer.”

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Terry Miller along with his new child son Christian in 1969 earlier than he went to serve within the Vietnam War. (Photo: Zach Boyden-Holmes/The Register)

A number of days later he held his new child boy, Christian Miller, however what Gwen remembers now’s the girl she roomed with that day within the hospital. She was the mom of six kids.

Neither her husband nor any guests got here to the hospital, so Terry purchased her flowers.

A fateful knock

Terry left from the Ottumwa airport and advised his spouse he didn’t need her to say goodbye.

He joined the 4th Battalion, 21st Infantry, close to the northern border by Dak To, Vietnam. He noticed lush forests and pristine seashores on the way in which in and browse an indication, “Vietnam — the vacation capital of the world.”

“I have been in Vietnam three months now and seen none of those niceties,” he wrote.

Instead, he noticed ragged, begging kids and previous ladies. “They exist in a constant, frightening way,” he wrote.

He regarded for “Charlie” on evening patrol.

On May 29, 1969, he was positioned on the perimeter, on a hill too rocky to dig a deep foxhole, when his unit was ambushed by North Vietnamese.

Later got here a knock on Gwen’s door in Ottumwa. She answered it and noticed a uniform.

“I was holding Christian. As soon as I saw him, I knew. I almost dropped Christian, but my father-in-law grabbed him,” she stated.

She vented a torrent of rage on the officer. “What a waste of men!”

Gwen rushed to the toilet and buried her head within the sink. She didn’t badume she was crying however felt tears.

She splashed water on her face as her father-in-law charged in, considering she was going to hurt herself.

He was fallacious. She was indignant. She has stayed indignant.

‘We should know who’

There is a struggle and it by no means ends, not for some.

Gwen sat alone by her husband’s casket within the funeral residence and noticed the chest of the skinny man bulging outward. He should have been hit there, she figured.

Gwen turned and noticed somebody enter the parlor. It was the identical lady to whom her husband had given flowers when she was pregnant within the hospital, and he or she remembered his kindness.

A month later, Gwen was handed the June 27, 1969, version of Life journal. On the quilt was a soldier’s face. Inside have been the pictures of the 242 Americans who died in Vietnam that one week, one of many bloodiest intervals of the struggle.

On web page 31, close to fellow Iowans Thomas Nebel, 20, of Keota, and Jim Walters, 20, of Sioux City, was the highschool commencement of her husband, Terry Miller.

“… We should pause to look into the faces,” wrote Life. “More than we should know what number of, we should know who.”

Gwen had as soon as been within the shadow of her outgoing husband, whose artwork she thought was higher than hers, his jokes funnier. But now she needed to step up and lift a toddler on her personal.

“I didn’t have time to wallow in it.”

She completed her faculty, took up educating artwork, remarried too shortly and had one other youngster. But that marriage ended after 14 years.

In later years, she married once more, this time to a delicate farmer outdoors Waukon, however he died at age 53.

“I’m not timid anymore. I am a survivor,” she stated. “You are shaped by what happens to you. I got a lot stronger.”

In 1979, she wrote to the native paper, sharing the condolences of letters despatched by politicians who stated her husband died to maintain us free.

She firmly believes he died in useless and wrote to ask folks to recollect Vietnam and never let it occur once more: “Then his life will have purpose.”

In 1984, she went to the Vietnam Veterans Memorial wall in Washington, D.C., and looked for panel W23, Line 16. The bus driver needed to maintain her up when her legs gave out on the sight of Terry’s title.

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Gwen and Terry Miller with their new child son Christian in 1969. (Photo: Zach Boyden-Holmes/The Register)

Her son, Christian, discovered to develop up with no father he by no means knew, however she gave him tales, and people are his recollections now.

“I have spent time in my life reflecting on how things could have been different,” stated Christian Miller, of Cresco. “What would have changed?”

He named his daughter Teri, after his father.

In 2004, at age 15, Teri wished to know the historical past of her grandfather. She wrote a message on a Vietnam memorial on-line discussion board.

A person responded. He was on the hill that evening, and he cried when he obtained her message.

“It haunted me all that time,” Carl Zarzyski of Michigan wrote to her then. He advised her that he didn’t know why Terry was placed on guard that evening as a substitute of him.

“I wish at times I could have been there myself, and you would have your grandpa. I am sorry.”

Faces of younger males

For nearly 50 years, Gwen has worn the stones of Terry’s marriage ceremony ring on a band on her finger, twisting it as she thinks of what her husband might have performed along with his life.

“I don’t know if I ever obtained over it,” Gwen stated.

And Terry’s stored bringing it up. Author James Wright interviewed her for his 2017 e book “Enduring Vietnam,” as she began to share extra of her emotions, Christian stated.

Christian didn’t agree along with his mom’s opinion for a very long time, considering that Vietnam was a worthy try and cease communism.

But after watching the Burns documentary, which aired in 10 elements on PBS this fall, he stated it confirmed “egos meddling in places they shouldn’t be meddling.”

Now he feels conflicted.

His mom has retired as a instructor, then a social employee, however retains busy in artwork teams, taking grownup schooling lessons and portray. Her late husband’s artwork fills her condominium.

But the struggle grew contemporary in her thoughts once more this fall whereas watching the Burns documentary.

American leaders lied to an apathetic inhabitants, she stated, and he or she doesn’t perceive why we have been there.

In the Vietnam War, 58,220 Americans died, together with 853 Iowans.

She studied the faces of the younger males and requested that folks right now thank veterans.

But additionally thinks about these households of the useless.

They are left with pictures and recollections.

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