Confessions of an NFL drug addict, who’s simply comfortable to be alive


Josh Gordon swears this time is completely different.

The gifted Browns receiver who has been suspended much more video games than he’s performed because of drug violations is again within the NFL. But he admits the information of his partial reinstatement after nearly three years away, which he acquired final week from commissioner Roger Goodell, is ancillary to the epiphany that’s saving his life.

Gordon, 26 years outdated, believed that second had are available in March after a keep at an in-patient rehab facility for his years-long drug dependancy led to 6 months of sobriety and “probably the best shape of my life,” as he advised GQ Magazine in a Q&A broadcast Monday. Gordon felt so good, he went on the lookout for a strategy to reward himself. A few drinks at a bar changed into drinks and medicines each evening, and that changed into his “rock bottom.”

The NFL denied his first reinstatement enchantment in May, and Gordon checked himself again into rehab, the place he stayed for over three months.

Why is that this time completely different? Gordon says this reinvented model of himself needs to stay, not simply play soccer.

“I said, If I plan on having any type of a career, I’ll stop. But at this point I thought, If I want any type of a life, if I wanted to live, [I’ll stop],” he advised GQ. “It was like: You’re never going back to f–king work ever, if you can’t figure out how to live. Because at this point in time, the trajectory, you’re going to die. You’re going to kill yourself.”

Gordon, taken by the Browns within the 2012 Supplemental Draft regardless of the pink flags from his faculty years at Baylor after which Utah, appeared like he was on his strategy to changing into one of many elite receivers within the league. A breakout rookie yr — his solely full season — adopted by a Pro Bowl sophomore season, together with changing into the primary participant to document back-to-back video games of greater than 200 yards receiving, have been quickly overshadowed by penalties that added as much as him lacking 51 of the Browns’ final 56 video games.

Add the suspensions to a DWI arrest in 2014 and one other in 2016 for dodging a number of subpoenas for a paternity check, and the NFL wound up banning Gordon indefinitely with out pay final September.

Now opening up about his drug- and alcohol-filled pregame rituals, Gordon realizes how twisted his rationale was, making an attempt to beat the system although he was “proven wrong every time.” The itch to make use of reaches all the best way again to the seventh grade, when he acquired excessive for the primary break day of Xanax.

“If I had already been drug tested that week, or the day before the game, I knew I had a couple days to buy to clean my system,” he mentioned. “Even earlier than I used to be getting examined for alcohol, previous to my DWI in 2014, I might take the most important bong rip I may. And attempt to conceal all of the scent off all my garments. I’d be dressed as much as go to the sport. …

Gordon makes a play after a catch throughout the 2014 season.Getty Images

“I would have these little pre-made shots. I used to love Grand Marnier. I could drink it down smooth. I could usually drink a lot of it. But if it wasn’t that, it might be a whiskey or something. And I would drink probably like half a glbad, or a couple shots to try and warm my system up, basically. To get the motor running. That’s what I would do for games.”

The consumption didn’t cease after the video games, when Gordon would ramp up the partying. It didn’t badist both that he and his relations have been typically badailed by Browns followers, he mentioned, particularly after he grew to become a recognized legal responsibility to the staff.

“Living in Cleveland, sometimes it could be a nightmare. I’ve been harbaded, had drinks thrown at me,” Gordon mentioned. “I’ve been [followed] within the grocery retailer, heckled in every single place. At the video games, folks harbaded and heckled my brothers and my mother. [My] brothers acquired into fights within the stands. Cars [have] been jumped on. Somebody dented the hood of the automotive. Had to sue a man and get the cash again trigger he broken the automotive. People are throwing cash, pennies, to interrupt the home windows. So Cleveland was tough, man.”

But he returns to the Browns in precisely two weeks time, partaking in staff actions till he will probably be eligible to be activated for video games on Nov. 27. Most importantly, he’s coming in with a mentality he’s by no means had earlier than.

“The past times, every time I would try to stop, it would be for the wrong reason. It’d be a publicity stunt; it’d be for somebody else; it’d be for the coach, or whomever thought it was in my best interest to try to do that. Last time, I wanted to do it to save my career. Just for the job,” he mentioned.

“Only thing saving me at this point and time, and the difference between now and then, is that I’m doing it for myself. And I want something more for myself. I’m trying to do it for myself. I could give a f–k what anybody else is doing, honestly, at this point and time.”

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