Dear Amy. Last summer my niece came to stay with me. She was 18 at the time.
I realized that one of my adult friends, “Stan”, was attracted to her, so I asked him not to have sex with her.
A few months later, my niece told me that Stan had had sex with her and that she didn’t like it and that she was uncomfortable. She asked me not to mention it to her. Finally, he told me that he had solved it and that they had stopped.
He was upset with Stan because he had specifically asked him not to do this. She said it was unfair of me to ask her, since she was not a minor.
I told him it would have been better if he had told me about it instead of having to find out from my niece, who is upset about it.
It has really affected our relationship and I’m not sure if it can be repaired.
Stan says that if he had to do it again, he would do the same, even though I had asked him not to.
– angry aunt
Dear Angry: Your tone conveys a sense of ownership, rather than concern, regarding this teenager.
You are not your niece’s sexual guardian. On the other hand, you regard your friend as a predator, and your concern has obviously been well placed. But shouldn’t he have talked to his niece about this ahead of time, instead of wasting his breath on him?
Your attention should now be fully focused on the well-being of your niece. She is quite obviously (and understandably) confused about the nature of this sexual relationship. Is she okay? It’s okay? She may not know it, and instead of you giving her dictation, you should be as unbiased as possible, so that she feels comfortable talking to you about it.
Take her to a health clinic to make sure she has birth control counseling and STD testing.
Talk to her about consent. You have the right to decide what you want to do sexually. If you do not consent, your choice must be respected, and if you did not consent to what happened last summer, then you have the right to go to the police.
In terms of possibly repairing your relationship with “Stan”, I can’t imagine why you would want to. Even if, strictly speaking, their behavior wasn’t illegal, unethical, or even your business, if you don’t like hanging out with an unrepentant horn dog, then there’s no reason to be friends.
Dear Amy, I am a 74 year old happily married woman.
My three grown daughters came to give me a birthday present, and what they chose was a vibrator (sex toy)!
I never indicated the need for this, and I am both shocked and insulted. My husband too.
How should I react to this? The cat “Stanley” likes it and purrs when I put him on his side.
– Annoying mom
Dear Annoyed: You should contact your daughters, as a group, and ask them an open question: “Ladies, what were you thinking? What is this about?”
They might respond, “Oh, Mom, get it! It was a joke!” To which you can say, “Really? Please explain to me exactly what the joke is here, because I don’t get it. On the other hand, it seems to be working for Stanley. He has never been happier. “
Attach a video of the cat with your new sex toy, which should help make your point, fermented with some humor.
Dear Amy, My friend and her family help me with projects around my house.
Recently, her husband has developed “wandering hands.”
I give everyone a hug and thank them before they leave, and he has started grabbing my butt when I hug him. I am disgusted by this. It makes me angry and uncomfortable. I have told him on numerous occasions to stop and have threatened to tell his wife.
He says I won’t. It’s a tough situation as his wife is sick and I can’t imagine adding more to her already full plate.
I am also afraid that you will not believe me and that it will be the end of our friendship.
I have never given him any reason to believe that I am remotely interested in him. How do I stop this unwanted behavior and keep my friendship?
Dear Annoying: Hire someone else to help you around the house. Keep your distance from this man.
If he does this again, call him immediately and in front of others.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.